


Bah humbug

by comebackjessica



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, Cyril is the real MVP, Family Shenanigans, Humor, M/M, Plotting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21887779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comebackjessica/pseuds/comebackjessica
Summary: Prompt:Modern AU. Alfie insists they wearing matching holiday sweaters (Cyril included).
Relationships: Tommy Shelby/Alfie Solomons
Comments: 15
Kudos: 97
Collections: Sholomons Prompt Fest 2019





	Bah humbug

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boundinshallows (museme87)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/museme87/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [boundinshallows (museme87)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/museme87/pseuds/boundinshallows) in the [Sholomons_Prompt_Fest_2019](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Sholomons_Prompt_Fest_2019) collection. 



_Arthur created the chat:_ **_drastic measures, Christmas edition_ **

_Arthur added: Ada, Arthur added: John, Arthur added: Finn_

**Arthur:** Okay lads, listen up

 **Arthur:** this year’s Christmas cannot end up like the fucking abomination that we all shall forever refer to as “Tommy incident no. 35” 

**Arthur:** So Ada isn’t bringing any more dates and Esme isn’t hosting

 **Arthur:** moreover

 **Ada:** WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLIN A LAD?

 **Arthur:** MOREFUCKINGOVER we should all think fucking hard about matching our boy up with someone decent for New Year’s Eve. UNLIKE THE LAST YEAR WHEN HE GOT WASTED IN MY CAR BECAUSE OF SOME EX PENIS. 

**Arthur:** Any suggestions?

 **Ada:** Oh for fuck’s sake…

_Ada added: Polly_

**Ada:** Talk to your eldest, he’s spewing heterosexuality out. Again! @Polly

_Polly changed her name to: The Boss_

**The Boss:** what in the name of my third drink of the day is this horseshit???

 **John:** oh, dear 

**John:** seems it’s my time to shine! 

**Ada:** NO.

 **John:** but I have just the candidate for our baby Thomasina!

 **Ada:** no!

 **John:** come on!

 **Ada:** JOHN NO!

 **John:** JOHN YES!

_Ada has left the chat_

_John added: Ada_

**John:** as I was saying, I know just the bloke!

 **Arthur:** NO MORE BLOKES!

 **The Boss:** who is it? @John

 **Ada:** oh fuck off @Arthur

 **Arthur:** all I’m saying is we should thoroughly use Tommy’s interest in women. remember Robert??

 **Ada:** I don’t think we will ever forget Robert, fuck’s sake

 **John:** what are you talking about?? Robert was sexy!

 **The Boss:** HE LEFT TOMMY FOR A STRIPPER YOU WALNUT!!!

 **Ada:** seriously, John – be normal for once

 **Finn:** physically impossible

 **John:** oi fuck you! @Finn

 **The Boss:** don’t speak that way to your little borther!

 **Ada:** borther

 **John:** borther

 **Finn:** borther

 **The Boss:** oh to hell with you all

 **Arthur:** LET US FOCUS PLEASE

 **Arthur:** WHO IS HOSTING CHRISTMAS AND WHY SHOULD IT BE LINDA? GO

 **Ada:** holy fuck not the Jesus fest again. I’m out

 **John:** shall I bring the sacrificial lamb? @Arthur

 **Finn:** I’m confiscating your caps lock @Arthur

 **John:** lol

_John changed Arthur’s name to: Caps Lock_

**Caps Lock:** VERY FUCKING FUNNY

 **Caps Lock:** CHANGE IT BACK!!!! @John

 **The Boss:** BOYS!

 **The Boss:** I am hosting this year. Since that’s done, what was your idea for Tommy’s NYE date? @John

 **John:** Omg look at you Pol, using abbreviations like the wizard of oz

 **The Boss:** my patience’s running as low as my current rum supplies so don’t test me lad

 **Ada:** uh-oh

 **The Boss:** speak @John

 **John:** ok ok I have this friend

 **John:** he might be a bit controversial 

**John:** but he has a nice dog

 **The Boss:** And Tommy likes cats. 

**John:** yeah but everybody loves Cyril, you’ll see

 **The Boss:** what does he do?

 **John:** oh, all sorts! Roll over, sit, fetch… 

**John:** and every year they wear matching sweaters for Christmas

 **The Boss:** THE GUY, JOHN! WHAT IS HIS CURRENT FUCKING OCCUPATION

 **Ada:** lol

 **John:** he used to be a baker, now he’s a PI

 **The Boss:** ...is that codename for a drug dealer?

 **John:** nah

 **John:** I don’t think

 **John:** I’ll check, give me a sec

 **Ada:** oh, for crying out loud!

_Ada added: Esme_

**Ada:** is John’s friend who has a dog named Cyril a drug dealer? @Esme

 **Esme:** What? 

**Esme:** Alfie??

 **Esme:** bitch is my husband cool enough to be hanging out with drug mobsters?? @Ada

 **Ada:** you’ve got a point there

 **Esme:** There you go

 **Esme:** ok I just skimmed through all of your nonsense

 **Esme:** I think Alfie would actually be perfect for Tommy

 **Ada:** oh cool!

 **Esme:** I’ll give him a call and invite him for Christmas and New Year’s. He’s actually a good guy, he helped me get a new car after John crashed our last one

 **John:** WHAT–

 **John:** HOW COULD YOU–

 **John:** I DID NOT

 **Esme:** you’re right, it crashed itself onto our neighbours old barn, silly me

 **Esme:** ok gotta go, my show is starting and I’m switching off this fucking baby monitor

 **John:** YOU WHAT???

 **Esme:** my phone. 

**Esme:** For monitoring you. 

**Esme:** The baby’s fine!

 **Esme:** As am I

 **Esme:** Not that anyone cares

 **Ada:** enjoy your show! @Esme

 **The Boss:** That’s settled then. Now, who’s hosting New Year’s?

* * *

_Ada messaged:_ **_Supergirls_ **

**Ada:** I just wanted to make sure you know what you’re doing

 **Esme:** with what, exactly?

 **Ada:** with Tommy

 **Ada:** why do you think this Alfie person would be good for my little brother?

 **Esme:** you’re twins

 **Ada:** he’s two minutes younger so

 **Ada:** I practically raised him

 **Ada:** You know

 **Esme:** riiiight

 **Esme:** listen, he’s a good guy

 **Esme:** with just enough of a past to not be completely vanilla for our little gangster Tom

 **Ada:** gotcha

 **Esme:** and he’s Jewish

 **Ada:** what does that have to do with anything??

 **Esme:** Linda will shit a brick

 **Ada:** LOL

 **Ada:** I love you

 **Ada:** I’m actually excited for Christmas now

 **Ada:** why can’t I get an Alfie??

 **Esme:** well

 **Esme:** he’s got a dick, last time I checked

 **Ada:** ah.

 **Ada:** WAIT

 **Ada:** WHY WERE YOU CHECKING???

 **Ada:** THATS MY BROTHERS DATE!!!

 **Esme:** it’s a long story

 **Ada:** I got time bitch

 **Esme:** yea yea but im watching glow up and the judges are finally roasting that little cunt brandon

_Esme is: offline_

**Ada:** Esme is a little slut, more like

* * *

_Tommy messaged:_ **_The Other Brother_ **

**Tommy:** John.

 **Tommy:** There is a man outside my apartment.

 **Tommy:** Screaming about fish, something Jewish, and sweaters.

 **Tommy:** He has a giant horse of a dog with him.

 **Tommy:** You wouldn’t know anything about it, right?

_John is: offline_

**Tommy:** you little cunt.

* * *

_Tommy messaged:_ **_The Sister_ **

**Tommy:** there is a man in my apartment.

 **Ada:** OH MY GOD CALL 999!!!!!!!!

 **Tommy:** no, he’s being nice to me

 **Ada:** DONT BUY ANYTHING FROM HIM ILL BE RIGHT OVER

 **Tommy:** I think John set me up for a blind date.

 **Tommy:** you wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, right?

_Ada is: offline_

**Tommy:** I’m surrounded by traitors.

* * *

_Caps Lock messaged:_ **_drastic measures, Christmas edition_**

 **Caps Lock:** It’s me, Arthur

 **Finn:** yea, we be known

 **Finn:** what’s up?

 **Caps Lock:** I don’t think I can do this

 **Finn:** aghhhh fuckin fine I’ll change your stupid nickname for you

_Finn changed Caps Lock’s name to: Arthur_

**Arthur:** not what I meant but thanks!

 **Arthur:** I meant this dinner

 **Finn:** what do you mean?

 **Arthur:** John told me that Tommy and Alfie actually know each other from before but they don’t let on from where!!!

 **Finn:** so?

 **Arthur:** John said that they already had one date

 **Finn:** and that’s bad because…

 **Arthur:** HE WILL HURT HIM IM SURE OF IT

 **Finn:** duuuuude, Tommy is the best goddamn barrister in the country like

 **Finn:** if that guy tries something he’ll end up like Robert

 **Finn:** Tommy can take care of his little heart all on his own

 **Arthur:** you’re right

 **Finn:** damn right I’m right. I’m almost there, leaving the station now

 **Arthur:** okay

 **Arthur:** oh god they’re here

 **Arthur:** he brought the dog oh fuck linda is gonna flip

 **Finn:** she hates dogs?

 **Arthur:** yeah

 **Finn:** Who the fuck can hate dogs??

 **Arthur:** THEY’RE WEARING MATCHING SWEATERS?????????

_Finn is: offline_

**Arthur:** FUCK!

* * *

_Tommy messaged:_ **_Alfie_ **

**Tommy:** you were right.

 **Tommy:** this is too much fun.

 **Alfie:** are you ever gonna tell them?

 **Tommy:** no, let me have my fun!

 **Alfie:** fine, fine

 **Alfie:** but admit, the sweaters were a nice touch

 **Tommy:** fuck yes.

 **Tommy:** and I have an idea.

 **Tommy:** I’m gonna propose to you on New Year’s.

 **Alfie:** m…

 **Alfie:** you know

 **Alfie:** in some cultures

 **Alfie:** like mine, for example

 **Alfie:** it’s considered to be an unbreakable vow.

 **Tommy:** no, I’m pretty sure that’s just Harry Potter

 **Alfie:** LOL

 **Tommy:** besides, they deserve it

 **Tommy:** that meddling fucking family

 **Tommy:** did you know they wanted me to date women again just because I said I was bisexual when I was like seventeen?? Morons

 **Alfie:** are you?

 **Tommy:** fuck no.

 **Tommy:** and women are even worse at relationships than gays

 **Tommy:** how dare they set me up on blind dates!

 **Alfie:** I’m pretty sure they just want ya to be happy, Tom

 **Tommy:** whatever.

 **Tommy:** they deserve to be messed with a little longer.

 **Tommy:** okay, once Linda starts her Jesus thing, snog me as obnoxiously as you can!

 **Alfie:** …

 **Alfie:** you got it

* * *

_Alfie messaged:_ **_Tommy my boy_ **

**Alfie:** So your little plan went well

 **Alfie:** I think

 **Alfie:** I got a little drunk after the cake

 **Tommy:** I’d say it went really well.

 **Tommy:** thanks for letting me do this.

 **Alfie:** hey, that’s what fake boyfriends whom you’ve just met are here for, I guess

 **Tommy:** you… you’ve just used “whom”

 **Alfie:** ?? that’s what it’s for, no?

 **Alfie:** and are you still proposing on NYE?

 **Alfie:** because I was thinking of wearing a shirt

 **Tommy:** you actually own some?

 **Alfie:** ha-ha. Very funny.

 **Alfie:** and no.

 **Tommy:** I could take you shopping.

 **Alfie:** was hoping you would say that

 **Tommy:** I’ll pick you up at 4 then.

 **Alfie:** you don’t have a car

 **Tommy:** fine, you’ll pick me up at 4.

 **Alfie:** have you eaten?

 **Tommy:** nah

 **Tommy:** why would I do that?

 **Alfie:** you–

 **Alfie:** okay, first I’m taking you to this excellent pielmieni place I know in Camden, THEN you can buy me a shirt

 **Tommy:** oh it’s me who’s buying the shirt now, eh?

 **Alfie:** it’s your engagement

 **Tommy:** OURS

 **Tommy:** after all of our three days together

 **Tommy:** snogging and plotting

 **Tommy:** you wound me so

 **Alfie:** are… are you making jokes now???

 **Tommy:** ...maybe

 **Alfie:** you know

 **Alfie:** I just remembered what happens when you break an unbreakable vow

 **Tommy:** Hagrid runs out your ass and sings the frog song??

 **Alfie:** …

 **Alfie:** AND HE’S READ HARRY POTTER, TOO!!!!!

 **Tommy:** shut up, just the first three

 **Alfie:** who’s your favourite character?

 **Tommy:** Me. Now log off, I need to finish my pre-trial speech.

 **Alfie:** always in a festive mood, I see

 **Tommy:** eh, fuck off. 

**Tommy:** see you later


End file.
